you wanna know what is so incredible about this 'nourishing you' piece i keep feeding you?? i have to do it to myself first!!! YIKES! hardest part of the job.
with that said, i have a new & improved commitment to my physical health, full on. i want to feel light. let's start with lighter than a barge. my vessel created some people and i feel like a ship hit me in the night... ok maybe 2 ships.....alright... 3!! i am tired of not feeling good in my vessel!! (so that is the back story).
as a part of my regimen, i walk. last saturday, j had both kids and i had about a 1/2 hour before i assumed they would be home. what to do with one more 1/2 hour of freedom? (this is always the question) hmmm... there is not much i can do in that time frame to sate every single expectation to feel totally COMPLETE. i know, such a bad set up from the get go...and how many poems are waiting in that theme and in my hips? (another blog entry entirely)... i try to choose something that will make me feel GOOD... i decided to put on my sneakies and go take a walk. i was feeling so proud that i made the LEAP over the door frame to the outside world called my street. then to turn the corner.. woohoo now we are in business... left, right, left...the next thought was focus on the breath, inhale, exhale, work it. my sweet voices were cheering me on...'this was such a good idea!' 'yay me!' 'awesome to get out and move it, move it.'
i come to a place in the walk where i usually make a full circle. i look at my watch and see it's been a half hour... i'm thinking i should head home, j is probably there with the kids and if b is hungry, they all might be cursing my name! then i hear that sweet, supportive voice say 'whoa.... what are you thinking?' 'you have to do the full circle...i mean, it could really impede on your day... you have to do the full circle! right!?!? to feel complete and....' i hear the inside voice making demands with some doubt in her tone....like a little lemon rind hanging around, flimsy & really potent at the same time.
i take a big inhale, exhale & turn around to go back home....
i let a little time go by before asking 'who are you and where do you come from?' i mean....'why does it have to be this way? who says that's really true anyway, that complete thing? it's amazing that i even went on the darn walk!!'
then, the wiser voice (yep - there is more than one ;) chimed in, thank the universe! AND i realized this is how we feel in the kitchen... and in so many areas of our lives. do it to the fullest, only the best, make everything or don't do it at all... ALL or nothing...cook for 2 days on thanksgiving and that's it for the rest of the year .... right? NO!!! so not right. then we will never try anything new or do all the things we want to do until we have the time... and PS when is that?? in my life right now, there is nothing i can do completely. everything has steps, moments, a process. everybody has NEEDS. it's as though i need to ask them (my needs) to get in a single file line and to raise their hand to speak... it's deep.
we have so many expectations of 'it' before we even know what 'it' is!! for so many of us, it feels better to just do nothing than a little bit of something... the intimacy of not knowing how to do something or how & where to begin is so strong that we just don't ever go there. questioning your voices of right and wrong, circle or square, meat and potatoes goes on happening as we turn on the oven, look in the fridge, decide what will go on the plate and how we will serve it.
so after all this....
as i was walking home, i was excited to write these thoughts down to share with you and send out asap. from the corner, i could hear b crying... so i ran home to give her the breasty latte. now, a month later, i am sharing this story with you.....feels good to complete the circle. see you in the kitchenxxxx