motherhood

beauty mama day.

ode to the mamas

incredible

love

deep

challenge

sweat

tears

my face

intimacy gone

intimacy found

hide and seek

with, for, of ME

hide 

hide 

hide

coerced to seek 

again

a new, feel old

want so much

have so much

blessed beyond words

challenged to the last cell

inexplicable 

resilience

the mama cape

a ton of bricks

yearning for the feathers

and the 

milk

milk

milk

the gap tooth smile

singing to adele in the car

watching me, you, us 

GROW

the ultimate teachers

changing patterns

the deepest exhaustion

the deepest gratitude

the deepest of everything 

oceans of beauty 

beauties of ocean

thank you for choosing me

xxxx

we decide.

i wish i could tell you that i have been napping this whole time....waiting for spring like frog. unfortunately, it's not the case. i am missing you though... i think about you all the time... whether i am peeling parsnips, gathering at the market, stirring soup, making tea (to leave it on the counter, sipped once)....i am hoping you are feeling good in your kitchens, that you are feeding yourselves, nurturing your dreams and nourishing your babes and families. are you having any miracles in the kitchen? there are so many amazing things to discover at the market at this time.... and it's such a medicinal food season as well...mama nature provides us with so many nutirent-rich veggies and fruits in winter. isn't it incredible that citrus grows so abundantly when it's cold out? have you tried the cara cara (PINK) oranges or the sweet oro blanco grapefruits.... introduce it to yourself and your friends and family... you can never waste money when you are learning, tasting and creating amazing food... as i drive through the city, i want to climb all the trees and gather bags of bright yellow and orange goodness... the trees seem SO full of vitamin C. have you been seeing them (those of you in LA) ? is it illegal to climb them? i mean... can't we all feed each other in this way?

here are some shots of last weeks' market in santa monica.. the weather has been cookoo pants gorgeous...and there are some other shots of my beauty kin... i have a lot up my apron for this year and i am gathering my thoughts, my dreams, my callings in the kitchen and beyond.... first up, a home for me, our community and all that we can unfold in the kitchen...(i think it's called a website) so, if you know of any amazing people that i need to meet.... please send them my way....

i have been steeping in the mission of my kitchen culture quest... one of the ideas that keeps coming up is how

we decide

.

WE.... as the women, as the mamas, all of us (with mamas inside of us), create this food culture in our homes... we decide what we eat, how we eat, when we eat... we decide if we have beauty, love, intimacy in our food, in our kitchens, in our lives... what i am realizing in so many areas of my life is that the time we have been waiting for, talking about, walking towards....IS NOW! it's as deep or as light or as simple or as free as you want to go... it's up to us. WE DECIDE. so that's the jules tip of the day (another something that is happening up the apron)... want to share about this? please do. i love hearing from you. see you in the kitchenxxxx

MIRACLE ALERT: friday, february 17 & friday, march 2. let me know if you want to be fedX

i'm here.

missing you.
missing me.
missing the spatula to turn the poems over, to turn something over. and i am turned over. definitely feeling burnt on one side, on the inside. trying to feel into when i might be ready to come off the heat and cool down. hoping for a gentler day, forgiving and open. this phase, this beauty ride. i want to find the balance. i want to stop the noise, this idea that i am so late, so behind, so tardy for my dreams. as these other dreams, the ones you can't even dream about because you can't imagine them...they are the miracles, oceans and beauties. i want to stay dressed in the blessed feeling. beauty sleeps so i can write down one more word. i am trying to teach her to soothe herself. i am trying to teach me to soothe myself. she keeps her little sweet mouth open hoping for something to calm her... and if the zucchini had a mouth, it would be open, up against the door of the fridge, crying for me to make that olive oil cake. the kitchen waits for me. the words wait for me. i do what i can with green zebra tomatoes, the beginnings of acorn & kambocha, little red pears. my first frittata with frisee and figs keeps me alive. empty cake plates stand proud and almost grounded. they inspire me. i didn't want to wait one more minute to let you know, i'm still here. just holding on, so i can keep going. holding on tight to this beauty ride. i want to feel light, a souffle of myself or even a crepe might work, flat & round. oh and thin, that could be nice. i could fill me up with berries and chocolate and a squeeze of lemon. i'm here and now i'm hungry. see you in the kitchenxxxx

we are everything.

is mothers day a set up or what? let's see how much i am appreciated in this house? does my partner see me and how much i do? lets schedule all the praise & accolades for one day and see what happens.... i think it is a total set up for everyone involved... and let's just call a spade, a spade... it's only ONE day!?!? that's crazy pants. i am not waiting till next may to feel good about my mamahood, have a brunch, go get a pedicure & be appreciated etc... this year i did three things different... first, i took it upon myself to get some self-care in.. i used a gift certificate to get a desperately needed facial & pedicure as my heels or hooves (more accurately described) were beginning to make holes in the sheets, i asked my husband to cook dinner and i wrote my mother an email of meaning instead of signing a quick card that i buy and send.... it felt good on many levels. i took care of me instead of waiting to be cared for in a way i need to be... which is like bowling a strike in the dark.

i don't believe in one day for mothers.

i do believe mothers day can be everyday in the kitchen...especially when you feel confident, empowered and inspired by what you create to nourish yourself and your family. how to do this? what does this even mean? well... it is an individual journey & so specifically delicate in it's nature from

how we create the food we gather, where we gather it from, how the food is received by our family, our fears & loves in cooking, our desires & resentments in our lives, all of it goes into the food... it's so amazing to just bring up the topic of food & cooking with a group of women or one woman & see how much emotion can fill a room in a minute... we are layered like a cake when it comes to this kitchen stuff... it's deep & there is a reason for it.

we are everything

when it comes to our family and food. we decide where & what to buy, where & how we eat whether we are at the counter or the table together, we decide what we eat on whether it be the good china or paper/plastic, the list goes on and we haven't even cooked anything yet!! we are creating the most basic, primal, intimate pieces & memories about eating and food for our children... we are the kitchen culture in our home. it's like a gene we all share... a blood vessel...a heart... we either replicate what we came from or we create a new cellular structure all together....

i have memories of pavarotti and the gap band... ziti & tomato sauce... cnn with larry king some nights... and kentucky fried chicken on the boat with steely dan playing in the background... i remember our glass table...how much noise it would make if a spoon or juice glass fell on it... i remember my mom in the kitchen....

i know we can do this together... we can support and inspire each other to create what we want inside the kitchen, inside our families and our bodies... help our kids to know incredible food, beauty inside and out, understanding that there is not just one day for the good set of silver, for gifts, blessings & praise... it's everyday, you just have to make it so. i am here to help. see you in the kitchenxxxx

PS: the next RM gathering is thursday, june 9. lets get in the kitchen again!

beauty cleopatra fischer.

there was this day....

and then a beauty was born....

beauty cleopatra fischer born january 13, 2011...

9 pounds and 3 ounces...

21 and something inches...

on a thursday...

i like thursdays.

birthing beauty,

redefining beauty,

understanding beauty

& being inspired by beauty

in a whole new way...

starting now.

meeting her brother ocean & cousin lily...

and now.... (one month later)

we are doing a lot of this...

a lot.

and some of this...

mainly when the sun is up ;)

this renaissance mama is

tired

missing my freedom

loving this full moon face

deepening my surrender

trying to keep the bad thoughts in the corner

blessed for strength

praying for more patience

wanting to write more

wanting

wanting

wanting

loving

loving

loving

xxxx

self care.

i want to start up a little chat about self-care. it's so hard to approach this topic because it has so much riding on it... from the minute you say it, think it, dream it...it's wrapped in layers of ancestory, emotion, cells, stories & even poetry...and while

everyone is nodding their heads in agreement about 1/3 of us (if that) take the leap to truly care for ourselves, to do something we yearn to do, to sate our hunger in this way.... why do you think that is? oh... wait before you get your list out... let me share what i see and hear...so we can cross out all the excuses that overlap and maybe get to something juicy.

no time

no money

no support to watch the babes (no money)

no support from my husband (doesn't see the point)

too tired to make the plan, the time, the space

too scared to leave the baby

i am sure there are more specific ones to your home & family etc.. but these are at the top of the list... and the top two battle each other out on a daily basis as they seem to hang out way too much together. AND THEN....we walk into a room where everyone is put into groups... the main theme in this room is what are you willing to give yourself? and the mamas and women are divided into groups:

what can you change in order to receive?

how comfortable do you feel receiving?

what is the cost of your sanity?

how long will you wait to care for yourself?

things like this (and please add to these if you are so inspired).....

i see so many women & mamas who are desperate for some lovin' and yet really have a problem giving it to themselves and then the ones that make the time, have the help and create the self-care piece in their lives feel guilty especially when sharing it with another friend.OY!!

can we change this?!?!?! i mean.. HELP!!! here is the deal.. of course if we all had consistent incomes, full time help, naps with our kids, budgetless budgets & more vacations... life would be a dream or would it? would we self-care even then? i am not sure.. but there is no point in WAITING for the self-care because it doesn't come with the money bag you are waiting for to drop down on the roof (believe me... i am the first one in line)....

i started a company for mamas & women who are starving for this self-care piece (we are all in it)... i saw the void in my community... i felt the poetry of shame(hate to cook, love to defrost), the internal lack (i just can't do it, too much going on), the guilt in the kitchen (broccoli and pasta anyone?), the creativity just holding itself steady in the air while we fill the mouths, just get it done, GO, GO, GO with the most messy desires to slow down but no ability to do it... no time...no money...no support....and here came renaissance mamas...

if there is anyone that understands that list more than you... it's me and i can't do this alone. renaissance mamas is not a solo journey. it includes all of us. it's a movement in the community. i put it out there, i will lead the way, i will take us from the dark into the light and i need you to join me....lets start supporting each other to make the time for you, redefining what is important to you, what sates you, fills you up with something substantial & deep...

lets connect on self-care and support each other to do it. for RM, the fire is in the kitchen.... it's where we can gather, connect, nourish and feed each other in this way.... it does not take the money bag... it will take a shift, a change in what is important, an investment in self-care....

i am open & on tour to come to your kitchen with your communities, i have a class that is donation based out of my kitchen & i am creating ways for ALL of us to have this piece... please dive in, take the leap & get on the bus with me.

it's an amazing ride... changing our culture, one mama, one kitchen, one family at time... see you in the kitchenxxx

hazing & basics.

lost
wandering
out of it
derailed
brain dead
confused
stumbling
random
khaki pants neutral
almost numb
same ol' same ol'
resistance
more resistance
is that anxiety?
lost again
really sick
heating pad
dark bedroom
devastation in haiti

this has been my new year so far.... i have been burning my brain to figure out what i need, what will make it better, how can i return to me? and i think i figured it out today. i need the renaissance mama!!! to come over and reinspire me in all ways food, kitchen, family, life, heart beat, creative connection etc...this is probably a very normal look into the day to day of most mamas when it comes to cooking or their kitchens....for me it took a car crash. all is well and i am taking a very warm bath in some deep gratitude for the miracle that all involved walked away to share the tale. i wrote this last week and then i found myself in bed all week with a terrible flu.. so i am searching for my own number to extract me out of this sort of hazing of 2010.

it's been such an interesting ride in the kitchen for me. going back to my basics that i teach and share with everyone. making sure i have food all the time... just something on the counter or in the fridge so there is food, that vital feeling of being fed & the knowing of nourishing. big bowls of food, vessels all around, creating a fancy feeling inside the basics....it's been challenging which is so beautiful for me to experience as i am getting the opportunity to see what it's like for everyone else... this is also mid winter and the same things are out.. squahes, apples, pears, yams, potatoes, all root veggies, greens... so the landscape can also seem very boring... and there is always a light at the end of the tunnel... (this has been a long tunnel ;)

i am thinking citrus to wake it up... so much beautiful citrus is in season and it's really good! so...i am getting back on the saddle. i miss the word & i have missed you! sharing the happenings in the kitchen and in life which are one in the same for the renaissance mama....you might still find me wandering the markets as though it's my first time there & you might read a bit more about it here.....see you in the kitchenxxx

open.

mother

earth

undefinable energy

creative force

one who does almost everything, just keeps going

always the student,

teacher, sharer of stories

swims inside language, uses it as a tool to express & listen

to care, to love, to be tender, to understand

open,

open, 

open

heart

enormously grateful

appreciative of the littlest of things

the hardest...

and the best moment all in one day

everyday 

over and 

over and 

over again

trying to find a word for beyond exhausted

mixed with a  love that keeps going and growing

folded into a deep daily joy (even in the most trying of times) 

that doesn't compare to anything i ever knew before....

maybe it's the word 

mother

and then i don't know anything again

and i am determined to

stay open

as it's where i live

it's going back home

stretch some more

like that first home

it all makes sense in there

in here

warm, cozy, like before

thank you for making me a mother... 

as i mother myself, as i listen to myself, to my voice, my mothering, my idea of what should happen...

as i hear what i like, don't like, cut, edit, paste, be, dance, create, put out into hearts, mine, yours,

i learn what it is this time & reshape what it was last time... unconditional, listening, open, open, open...

i feel blessed to know this part as it has become my whole. i also want to start a revolution...that we have a mothers week or month..anyone in?

happy day to all those who create, to all who mother, 

to all who give life to something, dance this dance, we are all mothers somewhere inside......xxx

thank you mom.