daring to dream.

do you dream?

i am not talking about dreaming while sleeping. i feel that we would all be dreaming of more sleep of course or an on going dream could include black out shades, room service, an ocean nearby... don't get me started. do you dare to dream about your life, your journey, your path? yes, we dream, we hope, we hold the space for our kids & our families. we are on that bus together. i am talking about us. you and me.

i have come to the realization that this dreaming thing is brand new terrain. i have never been here before. last weekend, something happened. i guess you could say a dream came true and as those words come out of my mouth & onto this page i begin to feel hivey all over, my stomach knots, i see blank spots everywhere. it doesn't feel aligned with me, the words, the idea, the concept of a dream coming true... why? wait, did i ever dream? i wrote down intentions to manifest. is that dreaming? did i forget to dream?! 

38 years of no fluffy, light, innocent, prayer hands to my heart, seeing it, believing i can do it, dreaming? you can't be serious. in the last few days i have been traveling back in time, trying to remember if i ever dared to dream without doing? lets take a minute with that idea.

have you? i can tell you what i have been doing. i have been working. i have been doing. i have been doing A LOT of doing. i have been writing lists, scheduling appointments, writing blogs, healing wounds, recreating patterns, healing kitchens, healing everything... have i been living without dreaming?

what is daring to dream? is it a waste of time? does anything ever come true? you gotta keep moving forward and working hard is the voice i hear. who is that? i mean, i definitely believe in working hard at what you love. don't get me wrong. i can put ideas into action. i saw a lot of action as a kid. that is what you do, that is how you stay super busy (from dreaming?) perhaps. i have definitely been surviving. do you dream when you are surviving? dreams can float like bubbles in the air and then fall and break, do you keep blowing? these days i do because it keeps ocean & beauty laughing! 

i am reaching for this idea of dreaming. i keep slipping. i am not able to find the ladder so i am beginning to see it like my 3 year old beauty, something way up there on the counter, far away from her reach. then, she turns into my teacher, she reaches for what she can't see, it breaks all over the floor or it burns her or it makes a mess. i tell her to ask me, to let me help her. that is not her way. now, she grabs a chair, scratches the hard wood floor. she is determined & fearless. she will climb up and sate her hunger. she will see what she can't see and no one is going to take that from her. 

when did i let fear determine my seeing? my dreaming? my ability to get the chair and look far above me, to sate my curious nature. was i too scared to reach for what i couldn't see? did i try once? what happened when i tried to reach for it? i was told i wasn't funny by teachers who didn't fulfill their dreams. i was told to go a safer route then i could turn back around once i had the validation stamp. i thought my talent was a hobby. i was told to do something serious or at least get some letters after my name so i am validated in society and then i could take 'care' of myself. did those ideas sabotage the dreaming? the jury is still out.

the idea of a dream creates an unknown, a loss in my body, a stillborn perhaps, like not remembering to have the baby even though i have been pregnant this entire time. am i just scared? am i so scared to have this baby that my body creates a symphony of symptoms during any labor towards the birth about to occur?  i don't know where to breathe in and how to breathe out.  i want to capture it, understand it, hold the porcupine of my confusion in my hands, hug it out and watch its survival suit fall down to its sides and become cashmere with my love. 

last weekend, we shot a trailer for a show about my work as a kitchen healer & food blogger. i had an incredible crew and an amazing family who is hungry for the love i am cooking up. as you know, i am very passionate about inspiring & empowering our confused, exhausted, scared & hungry American culture. i know i cannot do this by myself nor do i want to. i am all about the village. you are my village. thank you! i have been yearning for a team for as long as i can remember and there i was shooting this love fest with my team!

how do we find our way to dreaming without the noise, the fear, the negative hues in which our background might have been painted? this is a part of my story. i am looking straight in its lonely eyes. i have been doing. doing. doing. when i turn left into exhaustion, i fall down to rest, steam, go to what i know inside words, a soup, maybe some strauss coffee ice cream and a movie. my survival kit to daring to dream is real & genuine. i see now why they call it a dare. are you daring to dream?

the shoot left me wondering about my dreams. how have i travelled this far without really thinking about them? hearing my voice in this way? i want so many things and i am not sure i have placed them into a dream category. maybe it's about admitting my dreams, talking about them OUT LOUD and not being afraid of them or fearing joy or happiness or truly being worth my dreams coming true. i used to freeze when anyone would ask me 'how are you?' i would answer 'everything.' i have no idea how i am as it's evolving every minute. everyone usually answers 'i'm good.' that's that. what is the point of the question? i mean, it's a personal one. i didn't want to lie, it became overwhelming for me! 

i am realizing that dreams are nourishment. if we do not dream then how will our kids know how to dream? we can say the words but if we are not truly living it, they will not have it in their bodies to know what it really feels like, to go for something even if you fall a lot of times or you lose everything or fill in the blank. we are teaching them how to get back up and keep dreaming. for me, o & b are inspiring me to dream, they are nourishing me so that i can continue to nourish themxxxx

i want to hear YOUR dreams! click to the blog & lets have this conversation.  i thought i would kick off my daring to dream-athon with being nominated for best writing blog of the year for saveur magazine! will you nominate me? here is the linkxxxx