the whirling derviches.

somedays it's the whirling derviches inside my solar plexus,

inside my breast cavity

trying to make their way to my heart.

what are they doing here, again? 

what do they want from me? 

what nourishes them? 

are they hungry for my love? 

i breathe

i walk  

i pick up the dogs poop and i can feel the high

the gold temple

the torquoise eyeliner

thick on the edge of the eylid like all the poems i love

their bare feet like gorgeously worn rugs in every bathroom of the house

so many stories inside their soles

as they turn and turn and turn. 

in the distance

i can feel a tenderness at the bottom

maybe it's the low belly or even lower 

maybe it's the body below the body

it is never going to make sense

like a mother on fire

like an old story in my back pocket

to be seen is sacred terrain.

it is just a thursday in south pasadena

i am so high from this mint tea i didn't drink in Turkey

whirling like a crazy person

is it a prayer for sadness?

an offering of courage?

is it a shaking into remembering?

to soften the to do list.

i would rather hide

share the beauty from this corner

be found by the hungry ones

dug up by those who want 

someone who happens to be in the neighborhood.

i am whirling and courage is in the bougainvillea today

it is 8:22 am and i wasn't expecting visitors

the white jasmine lines the sidewalk

i see the sticky rosemary

i have to roast that chicken

that will save me

today.

cookie dough hang over.

i woke up starving. 

call it shame. call it sadness. call it deep raging desire. i didn't know any of this until a few minutes ago. what i really woke up with was a cookie dough hang over. i woke up feeling that my marriage is not well. i woke up feeling angry and hurt and not wanted by my partner. i woke up feeling stagnant. stunted. numb. thick. heavy with some joint pain on the side. i didn't want to get out of bed. yeah, no meditation at 5 am. i got up to pee and i was off....kettle on the fire, eggs out, lunch box open, hug kids, take out dog, filing and filling the morning needs. everything happening in one minute increments. kids in car. off with husband. i don't think there were any words exchanged between my husband and i other than do you want water?  this does not mean we are fighting or that he has any clue what is happening in my body let alone in his own body. it is 7:30 in the morning and we are running late. that is what we know. 

back to last night: the misfire of desire....as i unwrapped the shiny silver wrapper from the kerry gold butter something inside me was melting. i didn't know this was happening either. it was more than wanting cookie dough. it always is. here is the thing, it is easy to make cookie dough. everyone benefits the next day with a sweet treat in their lunch. i love a two for one deal. that doesn't happen if you get drunk at a bar.

i might want to mention this palpable loneliness that happens in the night as i walk out of my kids room with that final "good night i love you". it is as if i close the door, turn and walk directly into a thick fog that totally numbs me out. it is a vortex. 

i am deeply exhausted and finally free. 

i want to use the time wisely. i could do what i didn't get done, usually a long list of valid things that need attention. i could do what is right in front of me. dishes. laundry. clean lunchbox. get ready for tomorrow. possibly take a shower. i usually check email and get back to people who need to be replied to by the next day. there is the numbing scroll thru instagram that happens when i am not quite sure what i am doing. it is a strange. i am not ready for the night but it's here so what the hell do i do with it? 

last night it was cookie dough. as i am writing, i am realizing that there is not a lot of nourishment happening for me at this time of the night. i was also by myself. another key ingredient perhaps. i am not sure. 

all i know is this morning i woke up with this thick heavy something. i am not sure if it was inside of me or if i was inside of it. take a walk? write? buy the gifts on-line? numb. i will make a tea. i will go breathe. i didn't ask if i should do these things as i know (thank god) that i must have tea & breathe before anything else tries to happen. everything in me was fighting that too. just for context sake, yes i have to work today. time is so fucking precious.

i walked upstairs. i had my overly milked tea in hand. i sat down in criss cross apple sauce. i put the phone on airplane mode. i lit the candle. i called in my breath. to just breathe. please. i put my holey blanket on my legs. the weight of it helps me ground. i closed my eyes. all the thoughts are always there swarming in the ocean of my mind. i caught my breath in moments. one second. two second. breath. inhale. exhale. the swaying seaweed of my breath always gets caught in the coral of what is coming next or what this person thinks or the thank you note i need to write. all of it waiting for me. keep breathing. keep breathing. seaweed. inhale. exhale. 

after awhile, i picked the phone up to play the new adele song, hello. i heard it the other day in the car and so many images came to mind. i was hoping for that same rush. i was hoping to wake up. i was hoping to crack open. FUCK this heaviness. to feel something. anything but this numbness. to let it wash over me. to get in there and LET IT GO. to begin. to muse me up. to feel me up. to feel me down. something. anything. i listened. i bought the cd. i put it on again. i picked up my journal. i started to write. nothing. blah. blah. nothing. boring. then i moved my body. i picked up my heavy arms. i stretched to one side and then the other. this is a complete waste of time. get up. do something. buy the fucking christmas gifts. do what you need to do. get shit done.

i kept moving.

i moved through all of it. i wrote more. i wrote from my body. then i felt my body. i touched my chest. my legs. my breasts. i held myself. i melted.  this time it wasn't butter for the cookies. i fell into me. i fell into me. i fell into me. 

i wrote some more. i wrote about equal hunger. i wrote about being hungry. i wrote about being wanted. i wrote about longing. i wrote about being turned on. i wrote about turning myself on. i wrote about the fire. i wrote about setting myself free. my body wrote too. she wrote about sex and room and no more feeling bad and hunger. hunger. hunger.

she is so hungry. i am able to hear her now. the numbness is lifting. i lean in a little more. the milky tea is cold. i tell her that i hear her. i hold her. i hold me. i lean in. i let go. 

flourless chocolate cake.

i LOVE books on tape (or on audible in this case). i have been listening to BIG MAGIC by Elizabeth Gilbert. today she talked about naming who we are, not hiding behind our fear, in how we introduce ourselves to the world, to each other, to ourselves. she shares about fear and creativity .... the on-going conversations inside those two and so much more. i thought i would give it a go.. will you? leave in the comments below: who are you?  

as a healer, artist, poet, mama, friend and woman... i am a fierce permission giver, a space shifter, a freedom fighter, a life composer creating the kind of room we might need to take a deeper dive into our authenticity....such a fancy word for belonging, for connecting deeply to the resourceful vat of what feeds us, feels us, nourishes our deepest places, the values we know in our bones inside the noise of our minds.. inside the slowwww down. there are so many posts in this one post...look out for more. i will begin with this (semi) slow down inside one of the best cake recipes of all time. this is perfect as we fall into the holiday season!

flourless chocolate cake

10 oz of 70% dark chocolate

10 tablespoons unsalted butter

1 cup cane sugar

7 large eggs

1 tsp pure vanilla extract

1 teaspoon salt

preheat oven to 350 on convection bake

butter your round pan.. use parchment paper if that excites you!

melt the chocolate .... i use a pyrex bowl over a sauce pan with a little bit of water (like a DIY double broiler) that fits without falling through... i put it on low to medium... chop up the chocolate really good and stir it around every couple minutes with a spatula or wood spoon... while that is happenings you can mix in your mixer with a paddle attachment.. beat the butter and sugar to get that creamy situation going.. for about 5 minutes.. then add egg YOLKS... the whites will go into a separate bowl with the salt... scrape down bowl each time and keep it going... then add vanilla... leave that be... then mix your egg whites and salt to some stiff peaks with a hand mixer or by hand with a whisk... especially if you have some emotions to get out... this is a great way to grieve or let go... THEN.... there is more. this is where the slowwww down comes in.... it's inside the FOLDING..... you will add a bit of the white to the batter.... i use a rubber spatula for this... you have to go super slowwwwww for the mixtures to take to one another... it's amazing... if i go fast it never works... it's required that you slow down to fold. keep doing this until it all folds in... then pour it all into your buttered pan... put it in the over for about 30 minutes and voila!

make sure that the top is hard and when you move it from side to side it doesn't look like jello. then let it cool on a cooling rack or keep it in the pan until you want to take it out... don't forget the LOVE... that is what really makes it the best cake xxxx

let me know how it goes! 

heart break.

i woke up heart broken in the best way.

i stretch my spine

my pelvis

my hips

and their story

each crack and crevice

slurping up all the cream

thick pain with a crusty rind peeling off the surface

this story is ready to go

a deep undercurrent sounds like my voice in every scene

lighting the candle to call it in

the world inside me and the world inside you

waits and works and waits some more

like an ant patiently creating its empire

twig and crumb

twig and crumb

a feast to feed it's village

what is this divine wanting?

to water each weed will never work for harvesting the nutrients to grow this story

holding on

like to a purse on the subway

moving in and out of our own traffic

so many stop signs

looking left and looking right

to be sure

to be cautious 

to be smart my mother would say

what's a mother again? 

the stop sign?

the car?

the light?

all of the above?

allowing the light to be green is an evolution

that i believe i can keep going is a revolution

i don't even know if there is a word for it

move to where you are looking

says the yoga teacher

i know if you breathe something good will happen

i know if you breathe out LOUD

you will inspire others to let go

let go and live

to live is to WANT

you can call it survival, i have for years.

until now.

until today.

i am opening up the hood to take a look at the engine

i am creating a new kind of fuel

a fuel that will run me straight into the kind of beauty that will break my heart again and again

inside the lavender, the tendrils of basil, the thick red veins of chard

inside the mountains so fierce and radical in their groundedness

oh how they move me

they are introducing me to the parts of me who have been sitting shivah for way too long

as i draw the floral linen shades up

the vastness grabs me again

she asks me to dance

call it what you want

it feels like heart break

in the best way. 

simplicity.

the rain has found me in such a hungry spot this morning. i am loving the sound of it's feast on the ground inviting the quiet parts in me to come out and play. this deep nourishment of the earth inspires me to write a book, drink ten cups of tea and be cozy all day. there is a self-loving that happens when nourishment is present. have you felt this? i am also feeling into permission this morning. as the earth is being fed, my desire to run, to go, to make it all happen is in the garage taking a warm bath. i wonder how long she will be in there. 

the sound of the rain is moving inside me, moving me towards that simple lightness that can be found inside the aroma of a soup or something cooking. it's that feeling that everything is going to be ok, that no matter what, we will be fed. it's an invitation to simplicity. the aroma can feel like a calling to our ancestors, to all the women before us who were cooking up a life that felt meaningful and important. they were connected to the fire in more ways than one.

i hunger for this simplicity all the time.

somedays i know where to find it and other days, most days, i am lost in the dark looking for a grandmother to hug or a mother to teach me how to raise my son without shame, to show me the way to love inside strength, inside a fearlessness that is tender and true. my motherhood map is worn out in this area, it's hard to read where to go or how to navigate with my body, my group of cells, with what i saw and if there is a way to pave a new road inside what is possible. 

the rain is beginning to take her last bow and the sun is emerging from the clouds....and the rush to finish this is banging on the front door.  i can hear my inner bouncer: time to get going lady.... doors are going to close in one minute... then she goes on... what is this even about? does it make sense? you have spent so much time on it and you have so much more to do!

my feeling of simplicity begins to run & hide. i will meet her again inside a warm tea or after yoga in a million years. how do we tame these tigers inside of us? the muse, the go-getter, the producer, the shaman...do you struggle in this way? what is your simplicity? how do you tap into it inside the day? this is an invitation to share, to reflect, to grab a tea and write something if you hunger for it. i am going to make some tea too xxxx

the small things.

hi beauty!

i always find this feeling inside me around this time of year as most of the country is falling into cooler weather and here is los angeles...we are falling into heat wave season! it can be depressing as the last thing i want to do is turn on the oven. so i turn on the rice/slow cooker instead and make my way to that fall feeling without over heating the house and my family!

i know you are probably thinking there is nothing small about stew....but actually there is when it only takes about 10 minutes prep and a 1/2 day cooking in the slow cooker giving me and my the gift of an aroma to come home too. this so deeply nourishes me when i am out all day. it's that underlying anxiety we all share when we know it's a busy day, week, year, life and we have no idea what we are making for dinner. so really this is more than just a stew... it's anti-anxiety medication and a few other things too.

GATHER

1 - 2 lbs of stew beef (chuck)

sweet onion (medium size)

garlic (1-2 cloves)

olive oil (dark glass)

salt (pink by real salt)

bullion (repunzel)

celery & carrots (no need to peel)

crushed tomatoes (peeled)

and/or tomato paste

(in glass or tube if you can)

any other veggies you have in fridge

and that's a wrap!

i love love love my rice/slow/saute cooker because it does so many things all in one...which nourishes me too! you can open up the paper to the beef and put in some garlic powder and onion power and salt... i massage that all into the meat.. then i begin by turning on the saute setting and of course you can do this in a separate pan as well.... i start with a generous pour of olive oil, a bullion cube or two... mash it all up together.. then add chopped onion and garlic..i saute this for a few minutes.. i am looking for that glassy look which means the sweet bits are coming thru... then i add  the beef... saute that a bit.. letting it cook for a few minutes... (you can move this into your slow cooker now if it's not all in the same thing) then i add the veggies.. and the tomatoes.. the tomato paste can go in earlier or now.. i add 1/2 cup of water or so.. and that is IT! you can change the setting from saute to low or high 'slow cook', put the top on and voila! it's so easy! do it and let me know how it goes! leave a comment below. i LOVE hearing from you xxxx

a great need.

A GREAT NEED

Out

Of a great need

We are all holding hands

And climbing.

Not loving is a letting go

Listen, 

The terrain around here

Is

Far too

Dangerous

For

That.

--HAFIZ--

i love birthdays. always have. always will. i love your birthday. i love my birthday. i love ritual. i love celebrating. i love a gathering. i love showing up. count me in. 

this year, this birthday, leaving the 30's to initiate the 40's, i swam through molasses trying to get the right feel for what it would be, what was aligned with my heart, what felt true. the only clarity was the ocean. i wanted to be near or on the ocean. after going back and forth for days i had to surrender to not knowing. i shared this struggle with a dear friend, who sat with me for hours* trying to figure it out and what i kept coming up against or swimming inside of was the vulnerable terrain of my own heart break. 

i thought i had healed it all up. needle and thread style. sutured up the lessons learned, the forgiveness (on-going), the breathing, the tears, the confusion, the anger, the crash landings, and the immense courage to let go. i am not sure if we ever get all healed up.... maybe it is inside all the healing we make room for more love and little by little, drop by drop, we don't feel as empty, as broken, as lonely. 

i decided to call in a healing circle for my heart. coming into 40 might just mean more healing. i mean what else is there really? with some cake and cocktails too.... the women who came together were friends i have had for a long time. women who are healers and artists, mothers and daughters, poets and circle holders. their showing up started the conversation in my heart for what friendship looks like.... 

for as long as i can remember i have been insatiably curious about how women create, nourish and sustain their friendships. how some of us are best friends in an instant and others take longer to marinate. how we connect and hold space for each other, our growth and our mistakes, our values, how we respect each other or don't. how we dance around worth and esteem, vulnerability and shame. how we don't want to hurt feelings so we talk to someone else instead of each other about our hearts, our fears, our passions. how we run away, how we stay on the surface or how we dive deep to connect and hear each other. then add on marriage, motherhood, work and more needs then you ever imagined. how do we do it?

when it comes to friendship: i am pot committed. it is one of the most important relationships for me, for my nourishment and for my growth. friendship is a well of opportunity for me to show up, to learn empathy, to not judge, to speak my truth and to receive love. it can get pretty messy as we recreate the stories our mothers showed us inside their friendships, their sisterhood, how they related or didn't relate. i am finding that friendship is such a precious gift. 

i believe we need each other more than ever. life is in full session. we have dreams to follow, we have babies to feed and we have marriages to nurture. we need a safe space to land even if it's a 2 minute hug with a me too on the end of it. i am calling in a healing circle for all of us. why are we not holding each other up, facing our fears to be daring with our hearts, creating safety for each other? why are we waiting when we are so hungry for this kind of connection? we are amazing when we get together. we make medicine. we drop down into our bodies. we write new stories. like hafiz says above: the terrain around here is far too dangerous for that.

i hope to inspire you to call in what you need on your birthday or any day... to call in what nourishes you, to ask for what you need, to start the cycle of receiving from those you love and those who love you. i would love to read your feelings, your stories about friendship... please comment below. 

everything but the kitchen sink soup.

what do you do when it's 100 degrees outside? make soup! i know that i am not turning on that oven today. that is clear.  i get out one of my favorite tools the rice cooker, slow cooker, sauté all in one. i sauté a sweet onion, a bit of garlic, a vegan bullion, maybe squeeze some tomato paste in there... and let the rumpus begin. this is when i open the fridge and start cleaning it out like a mad woman. i gather tons of veggies, chop them all up and throw them into the now glassy onion saute... this is the everything but the kitchen sink soup... with some parsley and basil too. i have found, in my extensive research, that the most important part to any soup is the sweet base. and the LOVE. the EASE which helps create the love. i didn't peel any veggies for this except the one yam i put in for more sweetness. sometimes the hottest day can be a soup day. you just never know what your body is going to do when you let your mind go. here is to a hot soup on the hottest day of the year! it might just cool you down....

everything but the kitchen sink soup

aka: yummy veggie soup

olive oil

sweet onion 

tomato paste

garlic

vegan bullion

zucchini

yam

carrot

celery

parsley

basil

everything

but the kitchen sink!

add parmesan or a yummy cheese if you want!

 

saute onion and olive oil, garlic, paste, bullion... then add everything else after about 5 - 10 minutes.. add 2-3 cups of water... let it boil then simmer or put the slow cooker on... enjoy beauties! leave a comment below and let me know how you goxxxx